So I'm undertaking a challenge, can I write a blog based on the fact my friend is considering writing a blog? I say yes as what I plan to do is an elaborate cop-out, just watch me folks!
So what exactly could my friend write about? The changing climate taking a shift towards unbearably hot to the point where pants alone is suitable attire? Whether Rustlers are actually the fastest way to a heart attack(horrible tasting card-like death in only 70 seconds!!!)? Or could he write a letter like the good old days expressing recent events in his life and feelings?
I'd go with the last one as that is what the modern blog has become, removing the need for such skills as good handwriting and grammar. The first one being a god-send as my personal hand-writing looks like a spider has fell into ink and then in his final death throse tried to spell out words with his broken legs while choking for that vital oxygen. I am shit hot at metaphors though.
I do miss letters though, they allowed for margin doodles and the ability to see how someone had spelt a word before correction, always hoping for that mis-inserted anus (in all aspects of my life). But we can't bring back the letter, it is a dead art form akin to fuzzy felt and play-doh structure, one day pens will fall into disuse and everyone will tap away mindlessly on their I-Books with the almighty American spell check correcting our English you self important computerised pricks!
Although it seems slightly pointless complaining about the lack of physical letter writing in computerised form, but hey you try getting a memo out with this damn secretary!
and there you go a blog about a blog, sort of.
Words and Fish,
Chris.
Friday 25 July 2008
Thursday 24 July 2008
Duck Tales
Seen as I have had nothing else to do with my time over the past few days I've decided that all the greatest crimes of the last few centuries were committed by Ducks, Duck tse Tung, Duck the Ripper and other fowl fiends. To save myself from being insensitive I have not included ducks in certain crimes, however I might infer that ducks had a hand (or wing) involved.
Although on the subject of Duck the Ripper, to make it slightly more plausible and to make sure my story is inkeeping with certain rumours, we could suppose that Duck the Ripper was actually a Swan. But the waterborne prostitute killer was never found so we may never know the truth...unless he is still out there terrorising otherwise pleasant pensioner and child filled wetland areas. Not literally filled of course, although as we all know unauthorised pensioner swimming is killing at least 4 ducks a day. This kind of unrealised aggression must be halted.
Quack.
This is what happens when my mind is allowed to stagnate, it starts duck conspiracy theories and gives me urges for milky bar ice cream. Which is actually the best Ice Cream existing for a summer day, yum yum indeed. Will someone please save me from my own brain.
Theories and Fears,
Christy.
Although on the subject of Duck the Ripper, to make it slightly more plausible and to make sure my story is inkeeping with certain rumours, we could suppose that Duck the Ripper was actually a Swan. But the waterborne prostitute killer was never found so we may never know the truth...unless he is still out there terrorising otherwise pleasant pensioner and child filled wetland areas. Not literally filled of course, although as we all know unauthorised pensioner swimming is killing at least 4 ducks a day. This kind of unrealised aggression must be halted.
Quack.
This is what happens when my mind is allowed to stagnate, it starts duck conspiracy theories and gives me urges for milky bar ice cream. Which is actually the best Ice Cream existing for a summer day, yum yum indeed. Will someone please save me from my own brain.
Theories and Fears,
Christy.
Saturday 19 July 2008
How do you incapacitate a soul singer?
Throw a slide ruler at them, apparently certain ones have no idea what they are or how they work.
But honestly what is a slide ruler for? especially confusing are the circular ones, like two protractor's back to back, what exactly do you use these instruments for?
Maths and English,
Chris.
But honestly what is a slide ruler for? especially confusing are the circular ones, like two protractor's back to back, what exactly do you use these instruments for?
Maths and English,
Chris.
Friday 18 July 2008
Recently exploded chicken
Why does Kevin Costner still exist as a name within the film industry? I have to write a preview for ol' Mr. Costners new film and all I can think to write is that at least this isn't a review, which really wouldn't go down well I suppose. So if anyone can enlighten me to the unseen genius of Mr. Costner I'd be very pleased. I knew someone who actually has a Kevin Costner film in their personal top 10, and besides electro-shock therapy I don't know what I can do to help this person. Honestly stopping after field of dreams and retiring to a life behind the camera would have been the wisest career move for the man. And my case for the prosecution:
Everyone a classic of course, infact The Postman was so bad it actually made me wish that it was an Americanised remake of 'Il Postino' which is saying something as I detested 'Il Postino', and far from being a philistine I just believe it was the worst Italian Neo-Realism film I have ever endured (as no one watches and enjoys neo-realism, they just say they do). So yes, even though I got off track to reitterate I dislike Mr. Costner for not giving me anything positive to write about his latest morality tale, with less political spine than a jellyfish in the house of commons and about as much heart as a recently exploded chicken.
Oh except for the fact that I think Kelsey Grammar would actually make a great president, 4 more years!
Hats and Cocaine,
Chris.
Everyone a classic of course, infact The Postman was so bad it actually made me wish that it was an Americanised remake of 'Il Postino' which is saying something as I detested 'Il Postino', and far from being a philistine I just believe it was the worst Italian Neo-Realism film I have ever endured (as no one watches and enjoys neo-realism, they just say they do). So yes, even though I got off track to reitterate I dislike Mr. Costner for not giving me anything positive to write about his latest morality tale, with less political spine than a jellyfish in the house of commons and about as much heart as a recently exploded chicken.
Oh except for the fact that I think Kelsey Grammar would actually make a great president, 4 more years!
Hats and Cocaine,
Chris.
Wednesday 9 July 2008
Cancel that protocol you bastard!
I'll just start by saying I fucking hate BT internet, and I'm not sure what a PPP protocol is but if it cancels one more time I'll put this plastic bastard through the window.
Well actually that's just big talk (like wat kids car do), what I will actually do is curse under my breath and imagine the joy of lofting this mechanised bastard into space only for it to come crashing down onto the pavement outside, cancel that protocol you bastard!
Bit of techno trouble there but 'techno notice' (Partridge special), more importantly the weather has been really strange lately. I don't want this to dissolve into a weather blog, there are plenty about with such insightful thoughts as 'it's raining outside' and 'why does it always rain in this country', so i suppose I better give this writing a point hadn't I?
While the Zuton fever infects my brain I shall attempt to solve another mental puzzle to ease the suffering of my mind and try to solve the mystery of what came first, Pretty Rave Girl by I am X-Ray or All I Ever Wanted by Basshunter. Now while this pales in comparison to the major problems of the world it's probably much more interesting fare than the pages of Heat or Wow or Cunt or whatever these magazines are calling themselves these days, and would help me sleep that little bit easier at night. So if anyone who has heard both could do me the favour of answering this chicken egg style question I would be very grateful and maybe even reward you with a big hug*
By the way (never will I use BTW) if anyone has taken that last paragraph as a representation of my musical tastes of late please award me with more credit, although that sounded really big headed I don't want to die after writing this blog and have people read the last thing I ever wrote and play 'Now You're Gone' at my funeral. That space is reserved for Ben E.King that crazy fool and his standing related songs, seeing as we are all so fat these days if he was about now he'd have probably opted for sit by me, possibly adding pass me the doritos.
And that is the brain spill of a one off man mental, other things came into my head while writing this and they were as follows:
1.Does anyone share my philosophy on Mario from big brother resembling the main character on Dead Rising when he had a lego head on?
2.Do fat people feel upset when they see the extra sized fry containers in Burger King and know by law they can't obtain them?
3.Is winter really better than summer?
4.Why did I burn my hand saturday night?
They didn't seem important enough to bother the rest of the stuff I had written but please let me know your opinions.
Flounder and Jetsom,
Chris
*hug has no cash value and is not transferrable
Well actually that's just big talk (like wat kids car do), what I will actually do is curse under my breath and imagine the joy of lofting this mechanised bastard into space only for it to come crashing down onto the pavement outside, cancel that protocol you bastard!
Bit of techno trouble there but 'techno notice' (Partridge special), more importantly the weather has been really strange lately. I don't want this to dissolve into a weather blog, there are plenty about with such insightful thoughts as 'it's raining outside' and 'why does it always rain in this country', so i suppose I better give this writing a point hadn't I?
While the Zuton fever infects my brain I shall attempt to solve another mental puzzle to ease the suffering of my mind and try to solve the mystery of what came first, Pretty Rave Girl by I am X-Ray or All I Ever Wanted by Basshunter. Now while this pales in comparison to the major problems of the world it's probably much more interesting fare than the pages of Heat or Wow or Cunt or whatever these magazines are calling themselves these days, and would help me sleep that little bit easier at night. So if anyone who has heard both could do me the favour of answering this chicken egg style question I would be very grateful and maybe even reward you with a big hug*
By the way (never will I use BTW) if anyone has taken that last paragraph as a representation of my musical tastes of late please award me with more credit, although that sounded really big headed I don't want to die after writing this blog and have people read the last thing I ever wrote and play 'Now You're Gone' at my funeral. That space is reserved for Ben E.King that crazy fool and his standing related songs, seeing as we are all so fat these days if he was about now he'd have probably opted for sit by me, possibly adding pass me the doritos.
And that is the brain spill of a one off man mental, other things came into my head while writing this and they were as follows:
1.Does anyone share my philosophy on Mario from big brother resembling the main character on Dead Rising when he had a lego head on?
2.Do fat people feel upset when they see the extra sized fry containers in Burger King and know by law they can't obtain them?
3.Is winter really better than summer?
4.Why did I burn my hand saturday night?
They didn't seem important enough to bother the rest of the stuff I had written but please let me know your opinions.
Flounder and Jetsom,
Chris
*hug has no cash value and is not transferrable
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